Steve In Ink: The Sorry State of Apologies (Phila Inquirer 5/26/11)

May 26, 2011 · Filed Under Failure · Comment 

May 26, 2011 (Disclaimer: For nearly one month I ran against Arnold
Schwarzenegger in his first gubernatorial race. Admittedly I had very
little chance of winning. Number one, my entire campaign was based on
taking the California’s budget deficit and transferring it into Beverly
Hills. Number two, I was never able to get my housekeeper pregnant…and I
was married to her.)

From the moment he announced his decision to run on The Tonight Show,
Arnold was able to fend off the claims of womanizing, groping,
Kindergarten Cop and other embarrassing behavior for eight years and two
successful elections. Now, the revelation of an out of wedlock child has
set up what will surely become another in a long line of high-profile
apology tours - Edwards, Ensign, Clinton, Woods, Read more

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Trump Takes Credit For Bin Laden Death

May 2, 2011 · Filed Under 2012 Election, Satire · 4 Comments 
“I’ve never been more proud of myself.”
 
On what he declared was the “greatest triumph” of his Presidential exploration campaign, Donald Trump declared that his efforts were vital to the killing of Osama Bin Laden.
 
“Today I am even more proud of myself than I was last week,” said a beaming Trump in front of his red and black helicopter emblazoned with the word, TRUMP, he had landed in Times Square during last night’s celebrations injuring at least ten revelers.  “It is unambiguously clear that my push to have President Obama reveal what he claims to be his official birth certificate freed our country to return to the important business of catching up with Bin Laden. In no way am I disavowing the significant role our courageous military played in the successful operation. I just think the record needs to show that without my commitment to finding the truth, we may have never given our brave men the opportunity to do their job.”
 
Trump gave additional credit to Read more

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Contradiction 2012

March 22, 2011 · Filed Under 2012 Election, Barack Obama, Sarah Palin · Comment 

“The place is so crowded, no one goes there any more.” Yogi Berra

 

And so the 2012 Republican paradox some call a presidential primary race begins in earnest… facetiously.

From Newt blaming his infidelity on overzealous patriotism — piggy-backed by Santorum’s marijuana-use admission to defend Gingrich — to Huckabee’s stumbling, bumbling defense of his Obama-birther remarks, to Palin’s tweeting battles with Kathy Griffin, the GOP Bad Boys and Girls of Comedy Tour is heading to a caucus near you.

With the 2012 presidential race still far in the distance, hypocrisy, ambiguity and double standards are rolling toward Iowa and New Hampshire, the epicenters of some of the wildest fluctuations on the political coherence meter. Yes, gentle lady and gentleman voters, it’s once again time to run against who you used to be.

Mitt Romney

“I sustain and support (Rove vs Wade), and the right of a woman to make that choice, and my personal beliefs, like the personal beliefs of other people, should not be brought into a political campaign. I respect and will fully protect a woman’s right to choose.” Mitt Romney, 1994, running for senate in liberal Massachusetts

“I respect and will fully protect a woman’s right to choose.” Mitt Romney, 2002 Massachusetts gubernatorial acceptance speech

“On abortion, I was wrong.” Mitt Romney, 2007 GOP Presidential debate

This year’s John Kerry, Read more

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GLENN BECK ANNOUNCES JANUARY 15TH “DAY OF SERVICE”

January 12, 2011 · Filed Under Glenn Beck, Kind of Satire · 1 Comment 

Yesterday, Glenn Beck announced his plans for a “Day of Service rally to be held in Atlanta, Georgia on Saturday, January 15th. 

I think it is time that every American recommit to the ideals of the founding fathers with white people from all walks of life getting together to solve the nation’s most pressing problems,” said a tearful Beck on his Fox News show. “This is not a political event, nor is it day meant to pay homage to my humble, though clearly noble, achievements.”
 
Told that his day falls on Martin Luther King’s birthday and days before the federal holiday set aside to honor King, Beck said he was unaware of the “mere coincidence.
 
In no way was this meant to coincide with the supposed King holiday, said a lip-quivering Beck. God gives us just so many days through the year and if those honorable people choose to hold their day the same day of myDay of Service, that is their right. But if the mainstream media was honest, they would tell you that if the Founding Fathers were in charge today, King’s day would have been only considered 3/5th of a holiday. My day is meant to be a full 24 hours.  Of course the socialist left will twist my words and try to make what I said racist.”
 
Beck’s Atlanta location for his day is also the birthplace of King.
 
“I guess now I’m to blame for where a person gets born,” said Beck. “Next thing I’ll be the reason Obama was born in Kenya.”
 
Among the planned activities, Beck’s DOS volunteers will be visiting elderly billionaires, delivering food to homeless Wall Street brokers and giving away free snake oil to Beck followers who make under $40,000 a year and still believe anything he says is in their best interest.
 
All expenses for the day will be provided by Goldline, said Beck haltingly.“Remember, you can’t spell gold without God.”  

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Oh (My) God (2010). Starring Glenn Beck

September 5, 2010 · Filed Under Barack Obama, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Kind of Satire, Media · Comment 

 “You give these answers to Reverend Big Mouth and you tell him that God says he’s a phony…Personally tell him to shut up.” God (George Burns) telling Jerry (John Denver) what to say to a particular evangelical preacher (Oh, God, 1977)

“I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things.” Glenn Beck (Fox News Sunday)

Screenwriter legend, Larry Gelbart, taught me that in the hands of a good comedy writer what is acceptable as gospel to so many can be hysterical satire to many more. Today I can only believe that he’s in heaven running lines with George Burns on how God would admonish Glenn Beck.

Oh (My) God (2010)

Backstage at his Restoring Honor rally, Glenn Beck wipes his brow, accepting congratulations from admirers, some of whom were related to those who had actually read about Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech 47 years before.

Humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” Beck retreats to the nearby bathroom to relieve himself.   As he washes his hands a black bathroom attendant hands him a towel.

Attendant: Mr. Beck, that was quite uplifting.

Beck: Pshaw. Only God Himself can be uplifting. I am not God. I am only the humble human being God has chosen to speak for him. 

Beck pulls out a $25 Goldline coin.

Beck: Do you have change for a Read more

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