Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For 2009

December 29, 2009 · Filed Under Barack Obama, Glenn Beck, Media, Satire 
In a statement released Monday that spread quickly over jihadist Web forums, Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula claimed responsibility for the entire year of 2009, sending the Obama administration into a rush of closed, high level meetings to deal with the political fallout from the year-long attack.

 

Taking credit for everything from Jon and Kate’s breakup, Tiger Woods’ dalliances and the Balloon Boy to the recession, Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize and Glenn Beck, the group that claimed loyalty to Osama bin Laden alleged that Al Qaeda launched 2009 in response to “American aggression” in Yemen, which has been the site of recent U.S. predator drone attacks.  The message maintained that Al Qaeda operatives were positioned as early as 2005 preparing for the all-out 365 day assault this past year.

 

“Let the American Satan dogs beware that this is just the beginning,” read the statement.  “Octomom, Kanye West and the White House party crashers will seem like just trivial TMZ segments compared to what we have planned for 2010.”

 

President Obama issued his first statement on the year’s attack, telling Americans that his government was doing everything in its power to keep them safe from 2010. Hours earlier, Janet Napalitano backed away from her comments Sunday that “the system worked this year.”

 

“I misspoke,” said the homeland security secretary. “What I meant was that, ‘I thought’ they worked.  Clearly ‘thinking’ something doesn’t mean I wanted anyone to believe it was, in fact, so.”

 

The terrorist statement also said that the attempted attack on Northwest Airlines Flight 253 was only a mislead to throw off security officials.

 

“C’mon, a bomb in a Nigerian’s underwear?  That’s a hoot. How much damage could that cause compared to the tens of billions lost in ad revenue in Tiger Woods pants?  Do you know how many acts of cultural devastation we snuck past security while officials worried about a single pair of soiled boxers.”

 

The group also called on “Muslim crusaders to turn every 2010 Entertainment Tonight story into an American nightmare.”

 

A National Security official, on the condition of anonymity revealed that Homeland Security is considering seriously not allowing 2010 into the country until 2011.

 

“We don’t want to welcome in the new year until we’re absolutely certain that every single reality TV show has been cancelled.”

Steve

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