GLENN BECK ANNOUNCES JANUARY 15TH “DAY OF SERVICE”

January 12, 2011 · Filed Under Glenn Beck, Kind of Satire · 1 Comment 

Yesterday, Glenn Beck announced his plans for a “Day of Service rally to be held in Atlanta, Georgia on Saturday, January 15th. 

I think it is time that every American recommit to the ideals of the founding fathers with white people from all walks of life getting together to solve the nation’s most pressing problems,” said a tearful Beck on his Fox News show. “This is not a political event, nor is it day meant to pay homage to my humble, though clearly noble, achievements.”
 
Told that his day falls on Martin Luther King’s birthday and days before the federal holiday set aside to honor King, Beck said he was unaware of the “mere coincidence.
 
In no way was this meant to coincide with the supposed King holiday, said a lip-quivering Beck. God gives us just so many days through the year and if those honorable people choose to hold their day the same day of myDay of Service, that is their right. But if the mainstream media was honest, they would tell you that if the Founding Fathers were in charge today, King’s day would have been only considered 3/5th of a holiday. My day is meant to be a full 24 hours.  Of course the socialist left will twist my words and try to make what I said racist.”
 
Beck’s Atlanta location for his day is also the birthplace of King.
 
“I guess now I’m to blame for where a person gets born,” said Beck. “Next thing I’ll be the reason Obama was born in Kenya.”
 
Among the planned activities, Beck’s DOS volunteers will be visiting elderly billionaires, delivering food to homeless Wall Street brokers and giving away free snake oil to Beck followers who make under $40,000 a year and still believe anything he says is in their best interest.
 
All expenses for the day will be provided by Goldline, said Beck haltingly.“Remember, you can’t spell gold without God.”  

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Oh (My) God (2010). Starring Glenn Beck

September 5, 2010 · Filed Under Barack Obama, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Kind of Satire, Media · Comment 

 “You give these answers to Reverend Big Mouth and you tell him that God says he’s a phony…Personally tell him to shut up.” God (George Burns) telling Jerry (John Denver) what to say to a particular evangelical preacher (Oh, God, 1977)

“I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things.” Glenn Beck (Fox News Sunday)

Screenwriter legend, Larry Gelbart, taught me that in the hands of a good comedy writer what is acceptable as gospel to so many can be hysterical satire to many more. Today I can only believe that he’s in heaven running lines with George Burns on how God would admonish Glenn Beck.

Oh (My) God (2010)

Backstage at his Restoring Honor rally, Glenn Beck wipes his brow, accepting congratulations from admirers, some of whom were related to those who had actually read about Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech 47 years before.

Humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” Beck retreats to the nearby bathroom to relieve himself.   As he washes his hands a black bathroom attendant hands him a towel.

Attendant: Mr. Beck, that was quite uplifting.

Beck: Pshaw. Only God Himself can be uplifting. I am not God. I am only the humble human being God has chosen to speak for him. 

Beck pulls out a $25 Goldline coin.

Beck: Do you have change for a Read more

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Steele Summoned to Limbaugh Extremely-White House

July 4, 2010 · Filed Under Barack Obama, Fox News, Kind of Satire, Rush Limbaugh · 1 Comment 

Republican Party Chairman, Michael Steele was being “ordered to appear” at Rush Limbaugh’s EIB (Excellence In Broadcasting) Florida compound to explain his comments made at a Connecticut fundraiser Thursday where he told a Republican gathering who were expecting someone of consequence. “You don’t do is engage in a land war in Afghanistan,” said Steele, “because everyone who’s tried over a thousand years of history has failed.”

“I certainly didn’t mind him calling Afghanistan, ‘a war of Obama’s choosing,’” said Titular Head of the Remains of the Republican Party, Limbaugh. “That shows that he has what it takes to be a damn good talk show host. But to say that Read more

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Rand Paul Suggests Law of Gravity Be Left to States

May 26, 2010 · Filed Under Glenn Beck, Kind of Satire, Satire · 1 Comment 
In a recent interview with Rachel Maddow of MSNBC, Senatorial candidate Rand Paul (R, Ky) expressed controversial views concerning a number of issues thought to be a matter of settled law. While his statements concerning civil rights received the most attention, his position on a heretofore unchallenged law seems to have escaped media analysis…the law of gravity

“I’m not in favor of discrimination in any form. I would never belong to any private club that denied gravity for any race of people,” Paul said. “But we still have plenty of American space rockets where gravity does not exist.  Are we to tell our country’s hard working astronauts that they are no longer Read more

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Philly To Host Terrorist Trial? Please, Please, Please. (Steve In Ink)

March 8, 2010 · Filed Under Kind of Satire · Comment 

(Excerpted in today’s Philadelphia Inquirer)

“We need to manage expectations about what we can do with the limited resources that we have…” Mayor Michael Nutter speaking about the city’s fiscal crisis. 

Well, Mayor, the answer to you and the city’s financial problems just may be sitting hooded and in chains right in front of you. 

Taken aback by the intense criticism from political opponents and local officials of President Obama’s decision to try Khalid Sheik Mohammed in a civilian courtroom in New York, the City of Brotherly Love just may be the perfect location to transfer the trial of one of the masterminds behind the 9/11 attacks. 

Philadelphia Convention and Visitors Bureau, take note. Independence Hall and Read more

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