Last Unscathed Republican Politician To Be Placed Under Protected Custody
Patrick Noony (Last Remaining Virtuous Republican)
Saying that they “weren’t taking any chances,” Republican National Committee chairman, Michael Steele requested the Federal Bureau of Investigation to place Patrick Noony, a Bakersfeild, CA supervisor, in the witness protection program at an undisclosed location until late 2012.
“The scandals are killing us,” admitted Steele. “Sex, drugs, promiscuity or just plain foot in mouth disease. You’d think we’re Democrats. We’ve got to do everything possible to make sure we have someone who can run without dropping drawers and sticking his foot in his mouth. Then again, if we could get a guy who could actually get his foot into his mouth he wouldn’t be getting into real trouble.”
Republicans and conservatives like Mark Sanford, John Read more
“Hangover” Sequel In The Works: “Overdose” Expected Out In Time For Christmas
With already hundreds of millions in the bank, producers are putting finishing touches on the followup of the surprise hit film based on a wild night of drinking and drugging bachelor party in Las Vegas.
The four-letter crammed Hangover is crowded with a cornucopia of near death consequences from a single, drug-induced evening that results in hysterical mayhem including severe sunburn poisoning, brutal nausea, drug overdose, infant abandonment, racist performances, police-generated child-tasering and brutal elderly rear nudity. In the end, no one really gets hurt and everyone is better off for the experience.
“Admit it, American audiences can’t get enough of humorously risky lifestyles,” said producer/director Todd Phillips. “Especially teens who are searching for role-models like Alan (ZACH Read more
Scarborough Hired as “Daily Show” Head Writer
After a week of using various Joe Scarborough video on his Daily Show, Jon Stewart decided to take the natural next step. He hired him.
“With Bush out we were starving for a consistent source of hysterical content,” said Stewart. “We thought we found it with Jim Cramer, but he was just too much of a loose cannon. Then Joe Scarborough shows up and nothing our staff came up with provided as much killer stuff as Joe was giving us. We first thought of hiring the Morning Joe writers until we found out that Joe was coming up with the gags himself.
Stewart says he was impressed with Scarborough’s ability to come up with a new bits at the drop of a hat, tee it up and knock it out of the park.
“In one week he gave us the satirical shilling for their new sponsor, Starbucks, including a hysterically spoofy fawning interview with Starbuck CEO, Howard Read more
Levittown Agrees To Accept Gitmo Prisoners
The Philadelphia, Pennsylvania suburban community of Levittown said Wednesday it has agreed to a U.S. request to temporarily house up to 17 detainees now held at the Guantanamo Bay detention center on Cuba.
James Little, Middletown Township Supervisor, said the administration of President Barack Obama made the request last week and that Levittown was “honored and proud” to resettle the detainees as a humanitarian gesture.
“Look, we have plenty of room at the abandoned Read more
Obama Administration May Allow Bush Administration To Plead Guilty
The Obama administration is considering a change in the law to deal with calls for war crime trials that would clear the way for Bush Administration officials that could be facing the death penalty to plead guilty without a full trial.
The provision could permit prosecutors to avoid airing the details of brutal interrogation techniques as well as the embarrassing takeover of the Bush administration by Vice President Read more
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