But most of all, thanks for the doubled over laughter.
(SYOP) Today officials reported the puke that the balloon boy wretched up on the Today Show and Good Morning America was just novelty puke purchased by his publicity whore parents in an attempt to promote another of their self-promoting YouTube videos they hope to go viral.
In an attempt to rescue his plummeting ratings from the onrushing David Letterman, Conan O’Brien has admitted having an affair…with Jay Leno.
“It’s not something I’m proud of,” said a mournful O’Brien, “unless of course it brings in the viewers.”
O’Brien acknowledged that he had also had sexual relationships with a number of opposing late night hosts, including Jon Stewart, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Bill Maher.
“All of them, except Jimmy Kimmel,” admitted O’Brien. “He was just too easy.”
O’Brien, who had recently taken a painful fall in a failed attempt to boost ratings during the taping of his show last week, said he was forced to acknowledge the relationships because of something Johnny Carson had told him years ago.
“’If you can’t beat ‘em, fuck ‘em,’ Johnny told me. I’m pretty sure this is what he meant.”
Leno could not be reached for comment. Representatives for Leno said he’s supposedly off somewhere doing a prime time show .
The brilliant TV and film writer, Larry Gelbart, was a friend. Not one of those friends who you hung out with but one of those people who made you feel important even if you didn’t feel that way. Larry Gelbart was like that.
Without Larry Gelbart I never would have become an author.
About ten years ago I found myself in a television writer’s most precarious position — over 40 years of age. As a recent age discrimination settlement in the industry proved, over 40 is deadly in the TV biz. I call it youthenasia.
I wrote a satirical piece for the Writers Guild magazine, Written By , called “I’m Not A Young Television Writer But I Play One On TV.” It was set up to look like a chapter of a book titled, “You’ll Never Get Old In This Town Again.” It was a farcical guide on how to fool network executives into thinking you were younger. Tips included, “Make sure you always pitch ideas lying on the floor so that the loose skin from the front of your face falls to the back of your head.”
Another one recommended that you not place any pre-1995 writing credits on your resume even if you won an Emmy writing on the hit show M*A*S*H*, unless you’re Larry Gelbart.” I didn’t know Read more
(Transcript from my victory speech last night)
Shut up! They only gave me a couple minutes!
(Applause dies out)
What a night.
(From this point on, most every sentence was an applause line, so instead of transcribing it, use your imagination)
First of all I want to thank everyone who worked so hard to make this happen. First of all, my lovely wife and kids who stood behind me during the long, arduous campaign where I sometimes didn’t get home until 5:30 PM. We normally sit down for dinner at 5:15 yet other than the salad, they never dived into the actual main course until Read more