Fox News’ New Network Set To Redefine News
Fox News Release…
“The Fox News Adrenalin Network is meant to serve every political persuasion from the militia man who no longer wants to waste his target practice on newspaper clippings of presidents or small unarmed varmints to the hate group who isn’t afraid to open a bar at 8AM and not close it until they’ve beaten up at least one gay kid”
In what started as secret focus group testing has now blossomed into a brand new cable news network, the brainchild of Fox President Roger Ailes.
“We met with countless disgruntled television viewers of every color and creed of angry white men who say they are unhappy with the direction America is going but have yet to find television news they can truly believe in,” said Ailes. “They pretty much described MSNBC as the Karl Marx Network, CNN as the French Network, and Fox News as the Pussy Network. They said that they were looking for a network that isn’t afraid to say what the real patriot holed up in his axles-on-blocks, trailer shack is thinking, or is cutting up and papering his walls with.”
“Fox News may have set things in motion but simple innuendo and tortured logic just doesn’t do it for the real American” said Ailes. “The Fox template still works. We just want to tighten the screws on the concept a wee bit more. We need to get this everyman message into the main stream media the same way the original Fox News has. No matter how unconscious or irrelevant a point of view is, hammer it hard and long enough and sooner or later, The Today Show makes it a legitimate part of the debate. It’s no longer enough for a George Stephanopoulos to get his questions from Sean Hannity. We need Bill O’Reilly to get his questions from the Klu Klux Klan.”
But the new network doesn’t expect to be all news and opinion.
“Our morning programming will be centered around the peppy ‘Psychopaths & Friends” where viewers will wake up everyday to a shot of news epinephrine. A lean mean hormone tabloid meant to boost the supply of oxygen and glucose to the brain administered by the dream teaming of Ann Coulter and Michael Savage. Honestly, if we could clone Mike and Ann, we’d have our entire lineup set.
FNAN will take a look at the nation’s history with “The Way It Still Should Be,” a look at pre-civil rights eras as well as “C’mon…” an in depth daily where Holocaust deniers finally get their opportunity to have their say.”
FNAN also promises travel programming like “Montana For Lifers,” that will take viewers on delightful journeys through backwoods locales where few Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives investigators have ever stepped.
“Of course, there’ll be politics that continue our fair and balanced philosophy,” said Ailes. ‘The Only Good Government Is A Dead Government’ will pit far-left wing anarchists against right-wing anarchists. And just to add a little spark to the debate, we’ll follow the adversaries into the street and their mothers’ basements.”
Ailes says FNAN is presently in discussions with a number of high profile cranks to fill their hosting positions. “We’re looking at the usual suspects but don’t be surprised if we bring in a surprise or two like say Satan or maybe even Michelle Malkin.”
“We want everyone to get the message that simply being white is no longer good enough,” says Ailes.. “We have to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Not only the ones living in trailer parks, but those who should be living in caves.”
Steve
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