Last Unscathed Republican Politician To Be Placed Under Protected Custody
Saying that they “weren’t taking any chances,” Republican National Committee chairman, Michael Steele requested the Federal Bureau of Investigation to place Patrick Noony, a Bakersfeild, CA supervisor, in the witness protection program at an undisclosed location until late 2012.
“The scandals are killing us,” admitted Steele. “Sex, drugs, promiscuity or just plain foot in mouth disease. You’d think we’re Democrats. We’ve got to do everything possible to make sure we have someone who can run without dropping drawers and sticking his foot in his mouth. Then again, if we could get a guy who could actually get his foot into his mouth he wouldn’t be getting into real trouble.”
Republicans and conservatives like Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, David Vitter, Bobby Jindel, George Allen have been faced with a string of embarrassing incidents leading to a scarcity of plausible nominees.”
Noony, a church-going father of eight, admits to only having seven times in his life. “The twins saved us from going through that again,” said Noony. “Otherwise it’s pretty much work, home barbeques and reading to poor blind children. I mean, what else am I supposed to do?”
Steele told reporters that the conservative think-tank, Heritage Foundation, has provided a myriad of ideas to keep governors, senators and assorted Republican candidates from “going to the dark side.”
“Salt peter, chastity belts, pornos with a really ugly cast,” said Steele. “Nothing seemed to do the job. Short of castration, if the FBI won’t protect Patrick, we’ll be forced to turn to an offer from the Jain Monks of India who have taken vows of silence, truth, non-possession and celibacy. Most important, they said they’ll have Patrick back in time to keep gay marriage from ruining the very fabric of American marriage.”
“Of course the Republicans could just change parties,” added John Edwards.