Steve In Ink - 2008’s Lessons For 2009 (Philadelphia Inquirer 12/31)

Here’s your somewhat skewed guide for making your own new years lemonade out of someone else’s old lemons.

What Could Have Been Learned?: Before selecting the person who will be fifty percent of your team, make sure she can at least memorize the name of at least one paper she reads.

Was It Learned?: Barack Obama will be sworn in January 20.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: No matter what kind of relationship you’re thinking of getting into, make sure you find out everything you can about who you’re getting involved with. If not, seriously consider a career in standup comedy.

2008 Failure: In front of a packed Citizens Bank Park and a couple million kids watching on TV, Chas Utely threw in a seriously colorful adjective to describe the Phillies World Series Championship.

What Could Have Been Learned?: Seven second delays are wonderful devices.

Was It Learned?: Utely’s graphic comment went out undeterred to the world.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: Make your victory speeches before happy hour.

2008 Failure: O.J. Simpson drama continued.

What Could Have Been Learned?: It might pay to take a hiatus from criminal activity for half a minute. Just because you are able to get a way with murder doesn’t mean you can get away with everything.

Was It Learned?: Sentenced to a minimum of 9 years for kidnapping and robbery.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: If you have committed murder and gotten away with it…it’s called dumb luck. Don’t count on luck to be that dumb again.

2008 Failure: John Edwards primary run fell short again

What Could Have Been Learned?: If you go into a national election, make sure you’ve not only taken into consideration what bombs your competition will be throwing your way, but what explosives you’ve strapped to your own body. Or what some call, the Elliot Spitzeration of your reputation.

Was It Learned?: Edwards may have fathered his mistress’s baby who he had cheating with on his extremely well-liked wife of over 30 years who had been dealing with the ramifications of breast cancer.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: Before you place yourself in the public eye make sure what you’ve done in the private eye won’t blow up in both eyes and your smug face.

2008 Failure(s): Al Pacino’s Righteous Kill, Mark Wahlberg’s The Happening, Wil Ferrell’s Semi-Pro.

What Could Have Been Learned?: Making bad films can make the public forget real fast about your good ones.

Was It Learned?: Pacino’s Righteous Kill, Ferrell’s Step Brothers, Wahlberg’s Max Payne.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: Two wrongs don’t make a right…at least in the real world.

2008 Failure: Leno, Letterman and The Daily Show were actually considered legitimate campaign stops

What Could Have Been Learned?: That if you don’t to be considered a joke don’t go on shows that traffic in ridiculousness.

Was It Learned?: The View became the newest campaign must.

2008 Failure: The Economy or “What Was That Thump I Heard On The Ground Outside My Stock Broker’s 10th Floor Window?”

What Could Have Been Learned?: Know that no one knows nothin’.

Was It Learned?: Supported by enlightened statements like “…the fundamentals of our economy are strong,” $50 Billion Ponzi schemes and stock brokers who have not yet leapt out windows were still recommending commodities that someone other than themselves should buy.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: Put a block on your stockbroker’s phone number, invest your savings (remember savings?) in something real that you have actual control over. Say like National Lampoon stock.

2008 Failure: Obama called small town people bitter, gun and religion-clinging

What Could Have Been Learned?: If you’re in the middle of a campaign, when talking, assume everyone is listening.

Was It Learned?: Joe Biden said, “Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.”

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: Don’t talk. Don’t write. In fact, don’t refer to anyone doing anything.

2008 Failure: Fuel Price Skyrockets.

What Could Have Been Learned?: Either conserve, find an energy alternative or get rid of your car.

Was It Learned?: Actually yes. Road deaths went down. Mass transit ridership went up.

How Can We Benefit in 2009?: Those thousand(s?) whose lives were spared by the drop in traffic might want to take advantage of their extra years to pass it forward.

Oh, one more thing. If you want to actually gain treasure from someone else’s trash you can’t just sit there and wait for it to happen. It’s all about taking an action. Even though as one door closes and another opens, it never pays off until you decide to walk through it.

Seeya next year!  Get it?

Steve

Note: The condensed version can be found in today’s Philadelphia Inquirer oped page.